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If you haven't read the warning on the index page, go back and read
it. If you don't, and you don't like what you find here, don't
come crying to me.
Author: Eleanor K.
Pairing: Mal/Simon, Mal/Jayne, Mal/Jayne/Simon
Rating: PG to NC-17
Posted: 16 Feb 2003
Disclaimer: They're not mine. All hail Joss.
"We can have a nekkid Jayne tiara crowning ceremony!"
Don't ask why, just trust that she had good reasons for saying this.
So then I had to write it, because my brain is freaky like that.
Jayne's dreaming. He can tell he's dreaming because, generally speaking,
he doesn't wander around naked. Also, he thinks he'd remember leaving
Serenity and walking into a bamboo forest, and he doesn't.
Funny that he knows he's dreaming. Usually he only figures that out
after whoever it is shoots him and he wakes groping for Vera in the
dark. Not that he minds not getting shot at for once.
Sometimes he gets shot at naked, and that's a real drag.
He walks down the path through the overarching bamboo and comes quickly
to a circular clearing. The grass is cool under his bare feet, and
the glade is illuminated by balls of softly glowing light.
When he looks away from the lights, he sees that the glade has filled
up with people. Everyone from Serenity is there, also naked, which
is a nice bonus. He's never seen Zoe or Inara naked. Damn good dream,
he's thinking. Then Kaylee takes one hand and Inara takes the other,
and they lead him up onto a platform. Mal is waiting for him.
He knows he's supposed to kneel, and so he does. Mal smiles down at
him and raises his hands. All the little floating lights collect between
Mal's hands and solidify into...sort of a tiny crown.
Mal bends down, kisses his forehead, and places the crown on his head.
Bends down even further to whisper in his ear. "It ain't a crown,
jackass. It's a tiara. You thinking you're some kind of royalty now
Jayne stands, carefully adjusting his tiara. Then a man steps out
of the bamboo and shoots him.
He wakes with a start and puts a hand up to feel his head. There is
a distinct absence of tiara, and he breathes a sigh of relief.
Mal, lying beside him in bed, squints up at him. "Bad dream?"
Jayne just shakes his head. "Go back to sleep, Mal. You wouldn't believe
me if I told you."
This one is Juli's idea. (Thanks Juli!) She wanted naked Simon and
suggested possibly butterflies or freefall ballet. And yes, okay,
I know guys don't wear toe shoes, but I'll bet Mal doesn't know that.
Mal is up too early, and the over warm air of the kitchen is making
it hard to stay awake. He takes his coffee to the table and watches
the steam, fighting to keep his eyes open and losing. His head sinks
down to rest on his crossed arms, and he drifts.
There is grass under his feet and blue sky overhead. In front of him
is a low, white-painted house. His mother's house, on Shadow. He remembers
the air smelling exactly like this in the Fall, the chill just short
of turning his breath to steam. He looks around.
Cows start popping into view. He looks at an empty patch of ground,
and there's a faint *poink* noise, and suddenly there's a cow.
*Poink*, cow. *Poink*, cow.
Simon rises into the air and starts doing pirouettes. He appears to
be dancing on a cloud of butterflies. The pink toe shoes are a nice
touch, the ribbons criss-crossed fetchingly around his bare calves.
After a while the butterflies dissipate, and Simon drifts back down
"What are you doing here?" Mal asks him. "And why are you naked?"
"Why are you?"
Mal looks down at himself. Hmm. No clothes.
"Okay," he says. "Why are you here?"
"To look after the cows." Simon bends down to retie one of the ribbons
so it doesn't drag on the ground. "I couldn't leave Jayne alone with
them. He just smacks them."
Mal looks around, vaguely alarmed. "Jayne's here, too?"
"Oh, not right now. He's in the house."
Just then Mal hears a voice calling his name. His mother's voice.
"Malcolm! Malcolm, sweetie, get your little tush in here! I made cookies,
and your friend is going to eat them all by himself if you don't hurry!"
"Can I come?" Simon asks. "She said she was making peanut-butter chocolate-chip,
and those are my favorite."
Mal watches a drift of blue smoke rise from the chimney and thinks
about Jayne, possibly naked, eating cookies in his mother's kitchen.
"Mal?" Simon shakes his shoulder.
"Mal? Are you asleep?"
Mal opens his eyes with a start and takes a gulp of coffee before
answering. He looks around at Serenity's kitchen. Cows do not appear,
and nothing goes *poink*.
He looks at Simon.
"Did you ever take ballet as a kid?"
Simon's cheeks turn pink, much the same shade as the toe shoes were.
"It was only to keep River company," he mumbles.
Mal pulls him down into his lap and kisses the end of his nose. "Don't
suppose you kept the shoes, did you?"
Courtesy of Cabiria and her overdose of Valentine's Day commercials,
we have the idea of Mal and Jayne shopping at Tiffany's. Thanks, Cab.
Mal is sleeping alone tonight. Or not sleeping. Mostly the latter.
He is now used to Jayne's arm around his waist, Jayne's breath warm
on the back of his neck, and it surprises him how much he misses it.
Jayne and Zoe took the shuttle to pick up the goods from Kentar, while
Mal had a meeting with a prospective buyer on Kentar's third moon.
He was, perhaps, hovering a bit too obviously as they boarded the
"Gonna miss me?" Jayne asked.
"Just be careful, that's all," Mal muttered.
"Well, ain't that sweet." Jayne grinned at him, evil and sexy as hell.
"Next thing you'll have us picking out weddin' rings."
Mal pulls the covers up over his head and resolutely closes his eyes,
remembering that grin on Jayne's face.
He drifts for a long time on the edge of sleep, blackness swirling
behind his eyes, fading into color and light.
When the colors solidify, he's nowhere he's ever been before, not
in real life anyway.
The floor is marble, and there don't seem to be any walls. The display
cases stretch off into the distance, lined in black velvet and overflowing
with gold and platinum, rubies and sapphires and diamonds.
"Wow," he says. His voice echoes. "Shiny."
Mal turns. Jayne is standing behind him, wearing that same damned
grin and a spiffy black suit, red cravat at the neck.
"What are you doing here?" Mal pauses. "What am I doing here?"
"I was gonna let you pick it out, but you'd want to see every damn
thing they had before making up your mind. More romantic this way,
Jayne goes down on one knee, holding up a black velvet box.
Mal reaches for it.
"Oh, wait, hang on a sec." Jayne pops the box open and pulls out the
ring. He spits on the large diamond in the center and rubs it briskly
against his shirt. "There you go. Gimme your hand."
Mal holds out his hand, noting as the ring slides on his finger that
his nails are painted sort of a peachy color. He looks down at the
gauzy floral skirt swinging around his knees.
There's something weird about this, right?
Jayne stands and kisses him.
Warm, moist lips on his, and when he opens his eyes, he's back in
his own bed. He blinks and pulls back to look at Jayne, who's sitting
"You're back early."
"Yup." Jayne smirks. "Heard you calling my name just now. Good dream?"
"Yeah? Weird for you must be pretty damn weird."
"Gonna tell me about it?"
No, not ever, not a chance in hell.
He scoots over and pulls the covers back. "No. Come to bed."
"Don't suppose you'd be open to the idea of a couple o' the boys wrestling
And really, how could I say no to that? The jello is, of course, Blue
Sun brand jello.
Formless darkness surrounded Simon. It might have made him nervous
if not for the inflatable plastic wading pool in the center of it.
The pool was filled with perfectly still water, the same color blue
as Mal's eyes, and was covered in friendly-looking dinosaurs. It made
it difficult to take the situation seriously.
He stepped closer and stuck a finger in the water. Or tried to, anyway.
His finger wouldn't go in, and the water...wobbled.
Lights came up all around him, and he saw the crew of Serenity standing
in a half circle around the pool. Book stepped forward, hair unbound
and rising toward the ceiling in undulating waves.
"Welcome!" Book boomed. "Welcome, one and all, to the First Annual
Jell-O Wrestling Championships! Gentlemen, are you ready?"
Mal and Jayne, standing naked at the edge of the pool, each raised
a hand in salute.
"Wait!" Inara appeared out of the darkness, waving a swath of white
fabric. "I told you I'd find them!"
"For the last time, Inara, I ain't wearing that giant diaper."
"But, Mal, it's traditional!"
"This is Jell-O wrestling, woman! Jell-O, not sumo! There's a big
difference! That thing just plain ain't dignified."
"I'll wear it," Jayne said.
"No!" insisted Mal, Kaylee, Zoe, and Wash together.
Book held up his hands for quiet, and everyone subsided. "Gentlemen,
if you are ready?" He waited for their nods. "Then please enter the
Mal and Jayne stepped into opposite sides of the pool, the Jell-O
making sucking noises as their feet penetrated its surface.
"Let's have a clean fight, gentlemen, and remember what you're competing
Book waved a hand in Simon's direction, and Mal and Jayne followed
the gesture with hunger in their eyes. Simon stared at them and felt
a shiver run down his spine.
Book raised a hand and sliced it down through the air. "Begin!"
Mal jumped Jayne, both of them going down in a splash of Jell-O that
pelted the audience with specks of blue. Mal got Jayne in an elbow
lock, but Jayne twisted under him, grabbing Mal's wrists and pinning
him for a second.
"He's mine!" Mal said.
Mal wrapped a leg around Jayne's waist, and Simon could see his body
straining to flip them over, but Jayne was too heavy. Mal slid the
leg between Jayne's thighs instead and rubbed. Simon watched Jayne's
eyes widen and his cock grow hard. Mal took advantage of the lapse
in concentration and pushed Jayne back.
They both slipped, clinging to each other, hands scrabbling for a
hold on slick skin. Chunks of Jell-O lodged in their hair and slid
down their faces.
Simon felt himself growing hard and looked down. He found he was naked
and moved to cover himself--but couldn't. His arms, his legs, his
cock were all immobile, turned to gold. The gold crept up his torso
inch by inch.
Mal got an arm around Jayne's neck and squeezed, trying for a head
lock and not quite getting it.
"What do you want him for, anyway? You'd just sell him off to be melted
down or some such."
"I would not!"
"You don't quality when you see it."
Jayne stopped struggling, and they knelt facing each other, chest
"Yeah, I do," Jayne said. He leaned forward and kissed Mal hard on
Mal moaned softly, and Simon's cock rose higher with a groan of strained
metal. The gold was up to his neck, and he couldn't look away. He
could feel his heart slowing as the blood solidified in his veins.
The two men in the Jell-O broke apart and stared at each other for
a second. Then both their gazes turned to Simon. They reached out
and pulled him down.
Simon toppled forward stiffly and was caught and held. The gold melted
away at the heat of the hands that strayed over his body, and he became
pliant again. Three bodies twisted through the pool, churning the
Jell-O to a sticky froth. A hand smeared it through Simon's hair,
across his face, over his ass and into the cleft. A hard cock rubbed
against him, whose he didn't know, and a hand gripped him, pumping
hard and fast until--
He woke with a gasp and a cry he stifled just in time, alone in his
bed, semen still warm as it dried on his skin. He buried his face
in his hands. This was the third time this week and by far the strangest
He'd hoped his strange attraction to two very different men would
pass if he waited long enough, but it hadn't. Mal and Jayne's none
too subtle pursuit of him wasn't helping, either. Something would
have to be done.
He got up to change his sheets, wondering vaguely if they had any
Jell-O on board.